I always dreaded my achan in my childhood. The fear was imbibed in me by my brothers who themselves were too scared of him. He had a cane which he never used to hit us with, but he would swish it in the air and the swishing sound would make me cry. I always thought he loved to watch me cry and then he would laugh. He seemed to enjoy the fact that his children feared him. Made him feel like the typical 'karnavar' but little did he realise that he was alienating himself from us.
His sisters feared him too during their childhood and till much later in their lives. They didn't sit alongside him or have a conversation with him. What little they spoke was very formal and limited to just answers to the questions put to them .
During my childhood , I wished I was more comfortable with him, wished I could joke and share a laugh with him,wished I could hug him and behave like other friends of mine did with their dads.
But we got used to the fear and the distance. Achan often took pride in what he mistook for awe what actually was fear filled with an iota of despise. We would make our requests and seek permissions from him indirectly through amma. She would present it before him when she thought was the right time to do so. Amma never attempted to ease the father - children relationship either and thus we lived in a world of our own .When achan walked into the room where we were sitting, we walked out .
After retirement , during the hours that he sat idle with nothing much to do he realised his loss. When I would talk to amma , achan would feel left out. He missed the affinity I shared with amma. He would feel offended when amma asked money for my college fees." Why can't she ask me directly ? Why should she make you ask ?"
And then it struck him that this is how it had been going on for the past many years .
Before my wedding he was diagnosed of lymphoma. And when he left for his treatment to Mumbai, leaving me in the hostel we both cried. He cried probably because he thought he wouldn't return alive. I cried because I was seeing him cry for the first time. I knew for sure he would return. His role and responsibilities were not done yet!
The doctor had said he would live for not more than six minths. But he lived for 26 years after that!
He returned after his treatment, his ferociousness all gone, his hearing partially lost. He got me married, met with an accident, underwent a brain surgery to remove a clot, had a hernia surgery, got his own house built, became a grandfather to my children ...and this new role was played to perfection. A much mellowed down person he had become by then. I watched and heard him sing and relate tales from the mythology. He doted on the kids and many a times it felt like he was trying to do what he should have done as a father. My children loved him in return. They were the first kids who were not scared of him.
Life went smoothly for him till 2002 when he was detected of Parkinsons Disease. His hands became unsteady and he gave up his habit of writing the diary. He now spilt his food as he fed himself . He walked slower and more cautiously , yet had a fall which broke his bone .. Another surgery and he had to depend on his walker to move about .. In another couple of years he was completely bed ridden. I watched him wither away. For everything he depended on amma .. Amma took over the responsibility of the forerunner of the home , managing the household chores , doing all the shopping and banking ...all indoor and outdoor chores well managed by herself and also very religiously taking care of achan, suppressing her own aches and not disclosing much of her problems . She eventually reached an age and time when a fear set into her mind ..a fear that she may die before achan and at this time when I suggested they move in with us she agreed without much debate.
The next couple of months were spent with me.. I got an opportunity to reach out to achan and on the afternoons that I spent my time with him I held his hands , spoke to him . And he said things to me . We connected but could not comprehend each other. His speech was not so clear for me to understand and mine was inaudible for him... yet we communicated . And thus he stayed confined to his bed for more than two years.
Why did he have to suffer so long? Why did he have to undergo all the ailments and surgeries and suffer prolonged days of helplessness and pain ? Because it was during these days that we children reached out to him , it brought us closer to him and he got all our attention and care which he had, probably, always sought from us.
Amma looked after him diligently but we always thought he never acknowledged her efforts. He lost his temper now and then and all his ire was directed towards her.
Achan's demise was too sudden . The previous day he rambled non-stop. As I stood by the door of his room I heard him ask amma " Do you love me ?"
Amma answered in the affirmative,
"How much?" He asked again
"lots" she said
"Is it ? Give me a hug" said achan , I continued to listen surprised and amused and watched amma place her hand across his chest.
"Hug tighter"he said This time amma blushed and smiled , she saw me standing by the door and as she hugged him she told me" I think he is feeling cold "
I withdrew from the room closing the door after me and permitting my parents some privacy .
About five minutes later amma came out saying he has fallen asleep and is quiet now.
That happened to be his last conversation with amma !
He didn't speak a word after that. By next evening he was gone.While amma cried saying "He didn't say anything before leaving, didn't even look at me "
I hugged amma to console her and reminded her of achan's last words to her. Could there have been a better way of saying good bye ? He couldn't hug her so he asked her to hug him . It probably had been his way of thanking her for all she had done for him. I was made to witness it and it still amazes me to think how clearly he had spoken then.
All his callousness in the past was forgiven and he had suddenly become too dear to me.
As he lay in the mortuary till next noon I watched silently and made a wish .
'If there is another life , may you be my father again . May you be a better father to me and may I be the best daughter to you '
Rest in peace , Acha,
I will miss you ...
