Yesterday was amma's birthday. She has completed 78 years
on this planet and has been seasoned and tested by time . Her strong
will power keeps her going. With achan now completely bed ridden and
hardly communicating , I am sure she must be feeling lonely these days.
Her little chores and her evening serials keep her busy but she must be
missing a companion , somebody to share her thoughts, smiles and
worries with.
Achan keeps calling for her , most of the time for no
reason , sometimes in the middle of her sound sleep.His hallucinations
make him throw a tantrum at times and there have been times whem amma
was driven over the edge. She would then make a call to me, choking and
holding back her tears as she spoke and I would feel helpless...not
knowing how to console her and feeling extremely sorry for her and achan
.. how many years since this has been going on! and there has been no
respite at all .
Her complaint was achan was doing it all deliberately to trouble her. He was okay if someone else was around in the house..He kept calling her when he knew she was asleep.and when she asked what he wanted, he would simply stare at her without saying anything.I had to call her back and after ensuring achan was calm and back to his snooze I would tell her to sit down,calm her , console her and get her to see things from achan's perspective.
Think about his plight ! Here was someone who has been lying on his back all day for years now. He couldn't sit up or worse still, even turn to either side, on his own. If some part of his body was itching he couldn't scratch himself. I remember the day I had my surgery and was told to sleep on my back for the next 24 hours.. I pleaded with the doctor and nurses to tilt me just a little and place a pillow on a side but they refused to do so. I managed that night only thinking of achan .. if he has been doing it for so many years .., this was only for one day...I should be able to manage and I did. But since then I have been able to understand achan better. Now I tried to make amma see it. .. 'Imagine if you have to be lying in that one position , having nothing much to do all day. All achan did was glance through a newspaper in the mornings, most of which he could not comprehend now. (He was already hard of hearing since many years ) The rest of the day he stared at the ceiling . Even the rotating fan would seem stationary to him after some time. He had a siesta or two during the day and hence may be didn't sleep too well during the night.
I would like to believe that he summoned amma now and then not because he needed anything but merely to ensure she was okay. During her sleep he was probably checking to see if she was alive.. For somebody who had been the authority in his home, the care taker of the entire family, he must be feeling helpless. At the same time his concern made him feel insecure. He had to fight that feeling of insecurity and fear of strangers every day. When he didn't recognize relatives who visited our home, he took them for trespassers who could bring potential harm to him and amma. I have seen him stare at the huge pictures of my grandparents, placed on the wall opposite to his bed, at times in anger and at times in bewilderment , and then he would ask one of us who they were. I explained to amma and told her not to oppose what he says .. if he sees strangers in the room when there is nobody at all, give that stranger a name and identity, introduce him or her to achan. Familiarise him with the situation. Sit beside him for a while, hold his hands, talk to him. I am sure he will feel better.
Easier said than done! What I failed to understand at that time was that amma also was getting old too and lacked, these days, the enthusiasm and energy to combat these daily issues. Her wrinkled face speaks about what she has been through, the dark circles round her eyes tells about her sleepless nights.She had every right to get frustrated and even annoyed, which she rarely did. She needed a break too, some time for herself,. She deserved a night's peaceful and undisturbed sleep more than any of us.
Hence our decision to return to Kerala. Hopefully I will be able to bring some relief to amma and render support to her during those times of anguish .. Hope I will be put to use by my parents.Till then
hope they continue to take care of each other in this unusual way!
For all the times I forgot to thank you .
For all the special little things you do
For all the things that go sometimes unspoken
I need to say "I love you , Amma, I do"
I love you for the way you stop and listen,
And for your kind support throughout the years ,
For teaching me the meaning of compassion,
And sharing in my triumphs and my tears.
And if at times I may have seemed ungrateful,
I want to say I truly hope you see,
that nothing you have done has been forgotten
And day by day you just mean more to me !
Happy Mother's day to the 'Bestest' mother in the world, whose life is an example of love, compassion and immense patience. I will strive to be like you everyday !
